Managing Self

Fearn Lickfield is co-creator of the Green Mountain School of Druidry with her husband Ivan McBeth.  She is a certified flower essence practitioner, Geomancer, Ecstatic Dance leader, avid gardener, and Priestess of Gaia.   As facilitator, teacher and grounded spiritual counselor she guides the healing and connection of people with the Earth.


Conflict Management

Whether or not you are working actively in a spiritual community, it is extremely useful in life to have some good tools for conflict. Conflict is inevitable and without good tools and awareness, it can be scary, messy and really uncomfortable. Practicing conscious conflict management makes deep learning and healing experiences possible for all involved. Rather than a problem, it becomes a blessing in disguise.

The Charge
We know we are in a state of conflict when we are “charged.” The symptoms include a state of mental agitation, (ie. we keep internally replaying an incident, thinking of what we wish we had said, or having violent thoughts) and the activation of our pain body. The associated feelings in the pain body range from anger to sadness to confusion. We cannot be present for anything else. We are totally distracted.

The Choice
The purpose of conflict management is to learn about and heal ourselves and to stay connected and in good relationship with others. The first question to ask yourself when you feel charged about a person or situation (X) is, “Do I want to maintain a healthy working relationship with X?” X could also be yourself if the conflict is within. If you decide that the relationship is not worth repairing it is time to do your own process to let it go. (you cant get rid of yourself so hopefully the answer is YES!) If the answer is yes, try the process outlined below. I have found these steps to be the most useful in my experience with several different models for conflict management.

Clear with Self First; write it down!
If possible give yourself time to process alone. We often regret our immediate response to conflict when acting out from a place of fear or anger. Excuse yourself gracefully, saying you need some time to think. Find a place where you have some privacy and take a moment to breathe and become aware of your emotions and the sensations in your body. Ground and release to the earth. Give yourself compassion. Then pull out your journal or something to write on. You may want to vent a bit before confining yourself to this formula. Venting alone, in confidentiality with a trusted friend, or in writing can be very helpful in unloading the charge before taking next steps.

Observations:
What did you observe/see, hear, smell, etc. Facts only here! The rest is your story and interpretation. What would a video camera have picked up?
Learn to discern between judgment and fact.
For example, the following statement is full of inference and assumption;
“When you came at me with that nasty look on your face accusing me of stealing…..”
This statement is facts only.
When you walked into the room with your eyes wide open and pointing your finger at me, and said, “You took my sandwich!”
See the difference?

Feelings
See the feelings list in your NVC book for a full range of options. It is good practice to expand our emotional vocabulary. Our feelings have so many nuances; give them an appropriate word, or a few! Keep in mind these are your feelings. Avoid victim words which often end in –ed, such as belittled, harassed, misunderstood, disrespected, rejected, etc. These imply someone did it to you. Nobody made you feel this. Take responsibility for it. Go deeper, how do you feel?
I feel shame and confusion.

Interpretation; The story I tell myself is I….
We don’t get charged unless we have a trigger, or button to push. In other words, if you spot it, you got it. This is the concept of projection. Those things that really upset us in others are the things in ourselves that we don’t like to admit. This is the concept of Shadow. You may want to make a list of the judgments you hold about the person with whom you are in conflict. Read them over and see which ones stick when you turn it into an “I” Statement. Alternately, you may look at how their actions bring up an old message you hold to be true about yourself.
 The story I tell myself is I am untrustworthy.

Request/Commitment
This can be as simple as speaking your truth and being heard by the person you are in conflict with, or asking for a change in behavior. It is important that you do not ask someone to change who they are. They may be able to go about something differently that feels more harmonious, but it needs to be consensual. When making a request of another, make it a specific, positive, action to which they can agree. And keep in mind the difference between a request and a demand. With a request you must be willing to hear No for an answer and be prepared to get your needs met on your own. A demand requires a Yes for an answer. This takes the power away from the other person. The real change needs to rest with each of us. How can we respond differently knowing we have triggers? How can we heal our wounds so that we are not thrown off by the insensitivities and emotions of others? What request can you make of yourself?
My request is that you ask me for the whole story before you question my honesty and integrity. and/or…
I commit to work through the belief that I am untrustworthy so I can stand strong in my integrity even when I am questioned.

Empowerment; The Affirmation
(this part may be saved for later when you have more time to delve deeper)
Is this true? Take a moment to look deeply into your soul. Where did you pick up that belief in the first place? How old is it? What do you need to transform that belief into one that is more life affirming? What belief or affirmation would you like to replace that limiting belief?
I trust myself.
Say it several times. Write it on your mirror and look into your own eyes as you say it often! Really take it in and soak it up. This may take time, so remember your commitment to continue the transformation until it is complete.

A Radical Act: Honoring the mirror
Can you find it in your heart to authentically thank the person who stirred up this healing process for you thru conflict? Can you see them as a teacher and divine challenger pushing you to heal and grow and become empowered? Thank you for bringing this limiting belief to my attention so I can transform it into one that makes me more whole!

Clearing with Other
After writing it all down you may realize it is all about you have no need to speak to X about it. If there is something that you need to communicate to X you can do so as outlined below. Do not share the venting or list of judgments!
Permission: I would like to clear with you around what came up re. the sandwich. Are you available? If yes, continue. If no, ask when they will be, and respect their boundaries.
Observation: When you walked into the room with your eyes wide open and said, “You took my sandwich!”
Feeling: I felt shame and confusion.
Interpretation: The story I told myself is I am untrustworthy. You may choose to share more about this belief if you want more intimacy and understanding.
Request: My request is that you check things out with me before jumping to conclusions about my actions. The truth is that I put it in the fridge so it wouldn’t go bad.
Honoring: Thank you for bringing this limiting belief to my attention so I can transform it into one that makes me more whole! (I trust myself.)
(words in bold do not need to be spoken. They are there to help you see the steps of this formula)
At this point, be open to hearing what was coming up for the other person in order to better understand their needs and feelings. However, if the listener becomes charged by hearing your clearing it is NOT appropriate for them to respond immediately. They will need to take space and journal, etc.

This may feel a bit complex, artificial or formulaic in the beginning, but with practice it comes more naturally. Put it into your own words and share only what feels helpful.
Remember, the most important part of conflict management is to take responsibility for our feelings, judgments, and triggers. The people with whom we are charged are merely holding up a mirror for us to see our wounds. It is their responsibility to work with theirs and ours to work with ours. We can only change what is inside us. Doing this work is well worth it! The more whole we become, the less affected we are by outside circumstances. Our world changes to reflect this high energy state and conflict melts away. Healthy conflict management and the healing of our wounds creates deep inner peace and by extension, world peace.

Reflection point:

Fearn is my cousin! I'm so pleased to have her contributions on this blog. We don't see each other very often, but we certainly share a kindred spiritual understanding! Love you, Fearn! Thank you for participating!